just felt like i owe this blog a post about New Year's plans and celebrations. It could become a sort of a tradition .. all new years' posts right here :)
I don't really have any plans as yet, after declining several invitations and cancelling trips because i wanted to be here, at home in Islamabad, for new year's eve. Why so? no, i don't have any big date, party or whatever but i just don't feel like spending the last night of 2011 at a place that i don't call home.

I can't conclude whether 2011 was good or bad.. i am happy where i am right now and everything that happened during this year lead me to this very moment and i am thankful for it, Alhamdolillah.
The great people i met, the experiences i had (esp the Reality Touch course at Alhuda), the feelings i felt; some new and some old, the changes that occurred in me all that i know was for the better and i am Thankful to Allah for every bit of it.

i might not have everything i did a year ago and i might have few more dreams fulfilled than i had even wished for till a year ago. What matters more is that i am not the confused person i was a year ago, i have a path i know i must follow. i have new dreams i know i must fulifil and i have my Allah helping me through it all <3

as usual i am writing this post early morning, its 7:30 right now and my brain is painfully working on its last bit of energy. Body suppression is so on ;) hoping i would have suppressed it well enough to have put the soul in domination by this time next year inshaAllah.
Allah hafiz=)

When i was little, i would have the same dreams a few times. One of them was about being in a beautiful place with a lot of trees and greenery, my dad and brothers hunting squirrels. I don't know why i loved that dream so much as i loved squirrels but just the image of us all being there made me nostalgic, even though it had never really happened. It was so real that i once actually asked my mother if we had been on such a trip but she confirmed that we hadn't.
Today i suddenly remembered something from a few years ago. I was so surprised thinking that was actually me, that was my life. I thought maybe my mind was just making it up but no it wasn't.. it can not make up all those hours and days and years, which seemed so strange now, it was really the life of the same person who was once such a believer in happiness that even dreamed happiness seemed real to her and now couldn't even accept her happy realities from the past.

That doesn't mean i am not happy now, i have been happier these days than i might have ever been, for all i remember, but its a different kind of happiness. Its made, it doesnt happen like it used to. I don't want to be ungrateful to God, i am not. I love Him for every second of my life and i am as thankful to Him as the happiest person might be. Its just the strangeness of the differences in life, which happened too quick for me to adjust to and i just locked the old ones back to be able to survive with the new ones, that now if ever anything from the past breaks through that lock it shocks me, mostly pleasantly, until i over think it.
I only have to learn to not compare. What brought me joy then, might not have today, if it was still all the same. Memories are to be cherished only and nothing more.

Hey no one!
i have been posting on the other blog because i'm trying to get back into real writing. I came across some really cool blogs, some of which had no likes or comments on any of their posts, but they kept posting regardless. So i decided to just start proper blogging like that whether anyone reads it or likes it or doesn't even know it exists. I haven't quite gotten to regular blogging but i'm doing it more than once every three months, like i used to earlier :P
Anyway, i am posting here today because i wanted to just rant out total crap. I have my history exam retake in about umm 12 days (OMG OMG OMG) and i just cant get myself to open my notes. I never ever freak out due to exam stress, I dont even drop a single tear even if its the night before an exam and i have half the course left. BUT this time i am freaking out like crazy hence not being able to even open the books as just thinking about it literally gives my a heart ache so i just distract myself by watching movies or tv shows.
Now i think its time to drop that act and actually start studying. Its just that i have never really disappointing myself with my results and this was the worst one ever so i guess maybe it has shaken my belief in my theory of me being supersonic(that cartoon character).
So this is me, confronting myself and trying to get over whatever it is which is keeping me from studying, at a point i even considered it to be an evil magical force, True story. I just need to stick to my mantra -'i'm awesome. i'm awesome. i'm awesome' do i hear you say 'yes you are!' ? oh yes i AM!

ok seriously blogger DIE :@
yes im not in an awesome mood. as if stuff wasnt annoying enough already this thing wont publish the post i wrote yesterday =/
also why can i not find people in this world who happen to be like me. or even one person? or why cant people get me like i get them? come on im the same inside out its so easy why does everyone have to be so ignorant?
Maybe i am being unfiar maybe people do get me and maybe i do know who they are but when i say i have this not-so-normal sensor for emotions i mean it and i just wish someone else in this world, that i know, had it too! ok now i get how Edward (yes the Twilight dude) felt=/ ok no, he must have felt worse cuz i can always make myself believe that i am wrong -also this is off topic but i can stare at myself in the mirror and scare myself by making myself believe that is actually a ghost looking back at me- .
But then how can Cyril (that magician guy) turn leafs into butterflies just by 'believing' strongly that its a butterfly? ok i guess i will go find myself some leafs.

i just fell asleep sitting on the bathroom's sink-shelf thingy.
it felt like the most peaceful place in the world.. With the cold tiled wall supporting my back and the cool breeze coming in from the window, giving me light goosebumps..

i dont really need a room to live in, i can survive in a bathroom. I spend most of the time sitting on its sink-shelf or dancing in front of the mirror or scribbling notes n songs on the walls and the mirror.. i still have stuff written on the walls by my friends who have long left my life for good.. and now that we have to shift out of this house i cant bring myself to erase all those memories from the walls.
-sigh
i dont really like changes. i have ugly curtains in my room but i wont change them just cuz i would miss the way they give the fairytale-ish feel wen u turn the light outside the window on and leave the room dark.

Life has its own ways of treating with this 'condition' of mine. i save thousands of texts in my phone and then it gets screwed and all of them are lost.. i write poems in my notebooks, during class lectures, and they end up in the garbage.
i guess the garbage man gives these papers to the street vendors .. so someone somewhere might have read a poem of mine written on the piece of paper their 'samosa' was packed in. Its a kinda nice thought =)

sinful holiness...
the pain of pleasure..

the sparkle of a teary eye
why it shines so?

righting the wrong
completes us.


i can survive without u, but i cant live without u.. for i now know what 'living' is like. The winds of brokeback swept my life out and its stuck there..between the rocks..where the water played with our mingled beings.. Lets go unlock our lives. lets live our fairytale.

my laptop is sitting on a shelf in the kitchen n m about to pass out with hunger. Which makes one wonder why the hell m i writing this and not preparing myself food then?! uh right wait il go fix myself a sandwich.
ok so the burger patty is defrosting in the microwave now n the oil is heating up for it to be fired in. So what was i going to write about? uh i think i forgot.. that's what happens when u stay up the whole night doing practically 'nothing' and letting your brain slowly die.
oh wait i did make mum a card. Its her birthday but she doesn't like celebrating it so i mostly just make her a card, n so do my siblings, and we give her flowers. so now an ugly card and a lovely red rose are sitting on her side table from me =)

i guess il just go off n try studying the French Revolution or at least try to.
later.
damn this sandwich is soo good!

You know those characters you read about in classic age novels who can not imagine being in a love based relation more than once? That also when they fall in love so easily, one sentence or a smile or a wet eye is enough for them to commit their life to that person. Yet they might just spend their entire period of existence behaving coldly with that person for that is the wise act. its all so unrealistic and sweet. But then it gets annoying when you actually ponder over their situation.
I am going to write a book about myself and i will very much be that same character. Not exactly but yes, very much.
One more common thing i have with them, I believe in fairytales.

Ok i seriously need a life. I mean i cant get premature ventricular contractions(stole that one from 'No strings attached') everytime he tweets. Its not even like he is tweeting to me! .. Like in my dreams he would do that.
N there is the fact that he is gay.. Which just makes me like him more.. *hides* .. Gay guys are sensitive ok?thats it. See he sings with such passion, such emotion!
It kinda hurt wen he said he doesn't feel the song wen he is singing but then i realised he was talkin about those crazy rock ones where all he does is scream. Not that i dont love his screams, i totally do.. Which reminds me of this song of his where he says '..give it to u till ur screamin my name!' he doesn't need to do that, like girls n guys both are screamin it just watchin him perform.

Why am i writting all this?! With my chemistry book sittin open in my lap m here blogging from my cell. I seriously need to get a life i swear. Thinking about a guy who doesn't even know i exist..sad. But i dont want to! Not that i can help it.. Everytime i listen to a song of his i feel like OMG someone who sings like this..how can i not love him?

Its the exam stress i swear..i dont even think about him everyday :p but i just prefer babbling about Adam Lambert's awesomeness rather than tryin to memorize how high density polyethene needs Zeigler-Natta as a catalyst whose components are TiCl4 + triethyl aluminium.
*facepalm*
i would rather study about Adam's wardrobe n vocal exercise =/

so m shutting up now.

Now is ur chance,
its not gonna last for long..
The sun's soon gonna shine bright n lighten up the dark side ..
No hiding from it then, is there?
All worries will come alight.
So let ur spirit wander now.. Let it fly high .. let it fall..
Till the darkness shields u, do it all.
And as soon as u see the first beam of light,
hide under the covers n close ur eyes! :p

LOL seriously, point is i was kinda high all night n i let the darkness keepthe books hidd from my sight but its a new day now n the worries are all buildin up cuz my 'high' brain has fallen back into place .. Damn power about to go down gotta post this .. So watever. Good night/mornin

i post on my new blog n keep this one for taking out my crazy frustrations.. n thought no one's ever gonna read this stuff, at least no one i know. It will be my personal diary kinda thing n if some random stranger comes across it n reads it, it would be just fun =) cuz they won't know me so won't judge me like those who do... but now while commenting on a blog i realized anyone can open my blog through my id i use for commenting on others blogs! all u gotta do is click on my name!:P how stupid am i?seriously..
ah watever..

The lights were out yesterday night n i had nothing better to do than listening to songs. I played the whole track list of High School Musical 2(yea m a teen-aged girl m supposed to like this stuff) then HSM1 and then Starstruck, i love this one song in it; 'hero', but i got hooked on to 'there's something about the sunshine' n started playin it on repeat n now it just wont get out of my mind. Whats stupid is that the whole song is about California n i have never even been there!in real, as in minus-ing the movie trips, day dreams n actual dreams. Mostly its about sunshine, fun n the stars<3 'every day's a dream in California, Every night the stars come out to play' .. this verse got me so inspired that i opened my blog after ages to write a poem on a magical star filled night sky but i ended up writing this crap=/ but i found a pretty picture for it: which wont get uploaded,awesome.

as this post doesn't have anything worthwhile in it(not that any other on my blog do) il just quote a few verses from the song:

Everywhere's a scene

And now we're in it

I don't wanna paint this town alone

When I see you smile I always feel at home

There's something about the sunshine, baby

I'm seeing you in a whole new light

Out of this world for the first time baby

Oh, its so right

There's something about the sunshine.
<3

something is missing.. someone is missing.. or maybe that is just my excuse? Excuse for tearing up every night.. i am not insane, yet i smile finally when the tears start to flow.. it makes me believe i am doing something worthwhile, something right.. something my soul needs.

Forgive me Allah for I have sinned.. I sinned knowing what I was doing, I know il sin again.. then how am I asking for forgiveness? I don’t know, I just know that I have to and I should. I planned to do something crazy as the clock would strike midnight marking the start of 2011 but I ended up trying to hold back tears of hysteria… I wanted to curl up on the ground n cry out loud and keep crying till all that I had done wrong would get undone.. all that I have lost would come back to me or till I would stop missing it all.

All this time this song ‘in the end’ by likin park, was playing in my mind the part where they say ‘..watch it fly by as the pendulum swings.. the clock ticks life away its so unreal’. Don’t know where it came from but I realized it after several minutes that it was there in my mind, playing on repeat.. it was kinda haunting me, it still is.

Its like one moment I am extremely joyous thinking about how this is the real me and the fun I am planning and having, how positive everything is and all and the next moment I am this person who has many reasons to be sad for but the happy ones seem to fake, materialistic to me.

I say I have moved on with life, I believe that I have I would never admit that I haven’t but when I turn to memories even slightly, something just melts inside me.. the walls I have built around that soft corner shatter instantly and I am left standing alone, surrounded by a strange collage of my past.. and then I reach out for the ones which pain me the most, there is a strange satisfaction in that, almost pleasing it is..

Light, it heals so much.

i have been feeling so low since like yesterday, especially at night... i get online as usual n then i stare at my twitter timeline wondering how crappy it is that we talk about such random crap, or i go through my facebook notifications but my mind refuses to help me come up with a reply to any of the stuff there n then i feel worse so i stop replying to texts n then i have pretty much nothing to do. The WiFi signals are pretty weak in my room these days, that happens when it rains but i dont get how, so i cant watch a movie or tv series. Which leaves me with a free mind n as its said something like 'fairgh dimagh shaitan ka ghar hota hy' so i think about all the suckiness n negativity there is around me- or might never even be around me. All this made me want to do something better n here is what i am doing, writing a blogpost. My mood was so crazy weird that i thought lets not do this on the other blog n ruin it, or make those readers believe i get high at night(without coffee). Ah come on i know this post sucks but its better than me spending the night fishing around in my hair for dandruff... why did i just tell any random loser who might come across this that i do that? umm cuz .. cuz m crazy to be up at 5 in the morning of the last day of 2010 without any plans or resolutions for the coming year.. OMG i have no plans! would i be sitting right here after 24 hours sulking like this?n0oo i dont want that! trust me i dont need a shrink i just like getting melodramatic at times heh.. that doesnt mean m not freaked out about having less than 19 hours of 2010 left with no plans about em.. hmm writting this post did make me feel better n lighter(not that i need to get any more 'light') not to mention how it made me realize m wasting precious minutes running my fingers on the keyboard(or is it keypad) right now typing these very words. Hey i think i got a new year resolution!: not gonna waste my time thinking about 'how to sulk worse' or 'how to not-sulk' rather i will DO STUFF, like i am right now, so my mind wont be able to go towards the sucky stuff n il get something go0d outta watever i do.. we always do get sthing go0d outta everything, whether its a target achieved or a leson learned. Tonight il say it was a leson learned n m hoping tomorrow night, on the first night of 2011 its gonna be a target achieved, a fun one IA :D
i just inspired myself ;) aaand i think i hear mum!shyt! *waves* *ruuuuns* oh no m already in bed:p okay m really shutting-up now.

This Ramadan i seriously found out why this month is said to be so blessed, why it is considered so sacred. This year in Ramadan i found the peace i was looking for the whole year.. i felt more blessed than i ever did.. and i felt closer to Allah than ever :)

one of the reasons was that i joined a 'dora-e-Quran' class. we just go there n the woman recites the Quran, one sipara (juz) every day with translation and details of the incidents n all. She also gives us notes consisting of ahadith related to the Quranic ayas we study.

there were some hadith, which when i read i was like OMG i never knew that n i should so share it so here is the first one :)

we all know what punishments Islam has for zinna (fornication); hundred whips for an unmarried person and stoning to death for a married person.

what we dont know is that we perform various acts of fornication every day but dont realize it.
as the hadith states:
Rasulullah Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam said: "…adultery of the eyes is when it looks at that which is Haraam; adultery of the ears is when it listens to that which is Haraam; adultery of the tongue is when it utters Haraam; adultery of the hands is when it touches Haraam; adultery of the feet is when it walks towards Haraam; adultery of the heart is when it desires and hopes for that which is Haraam; adultery of the private parts is when it succumbs to that which is Haraam." (Targhib wa Tarhîb)

how many times in a day do we look at people of the other sex exposing more than what is allowed in Islam? that is zinna of eyes.
leaving alone the real crap talk, how many times do we hear or utter abusive language in a day, which is haraam, zinna of ears and tongue.
when we go to buy movies or other such stuff which is haraam we are doing zinna of the feet.
This list goes on and on and we have been blessed with a mind enough to decide for ourselves what else can be added here.

Stopping ourselves from the actual act of zinna is sure appreciated by Allah but we should also try abstain from these other forms of it.

May Allah help us in helping ourselves. Amen :)

ok so i really wanted to blog about lotsv stuff.. so much has been happening lately and most of it worth blogging about but my blog was like all crappy so i wanted to clean it up before starting on the real posts.

i checked in on it after a ages, a few days back, n i went through all the posts n i realized its not all that bad :p and even if it is, it is me, it is what i thought back then whenever i posted em so there is nothing to be shy or embarrassed of. now m not gonna delete these few posts i have n il just start with the new ones :)

i have sooo much to blog about but considering how lazy i am this post is enough for today. weekend starts tomorrow so il have lotsv time to blog n all..lets hope i do make use of it.

bye for now!

Today was a a fun day in a weird-ish way;) oh well my day ends when i fall asleep so this post im writing is a part of it lol. First things first, i was woken up at 5p.m after 13 hours of sleep hehe, yea i know i sleep alot, and when i checked my twitter i had this DM from Robert Luketic saying "thanks for following bla bla" you know that ready made machine stuff so i thought lets just tweet to him instead of Ashton Kutcher cuz he is never gonna reply. i tweeted to him and he replied n i was like w0oho0! oh and he was pretty surprised to know i was tweeting from Pakistan about killers and he said he would like to visit it. He just saying that was a big thing for me. After the usual family tea-time in the garden (i don't drink tea though) my cousin and me went out for ice cream but like always came back home with lots of stuff which included a hot red nail polish which i have on right now :P and a deo named 'bonjour' which i just made my cousin buy because of its name. Oh i dint mention the mint-chip ice cream was awesome "mama's" ice creams are my favs so totally love em! Now i seem to have forgotten what i did after getting home till 12 hmm but then i just surfed the internet lots of food,sports and celebrity blogs and of course the usual youtube stuff. Then i started watching 27 dresses and so loved it! but i was getting really hungry had to make pizza so brought the laptop with myself in the kitchen and watched the movie while i baked. My hands are full of flour and i just click on my facebook updates and one says Rafa nadal commented on your plank (my facebook language is english pirate its so funny) and i open that one and there is a comment by Rafa on the post i had made on his fan page like days ago and my mind went all crazy for a few secs there before i realized that Rafa doesn't have an official page on facebook :( how happy i was there as he has always been my favorite tennis player, ever since a started watching tennis. Oh well then i just finished baking the pizza and then eating it lol the whole thing was gone so quickly when i reached for another piece i realized i had finished it all up. I just started writing this post cuz the site i was watching the movie on said i had to wait for 54mins before watching the second half of it and i had to busy myself in something, only 10mins of wait left and i will be back to the movie and hit the sack as soon as its over or thats what im hoping. Its pretty late for someone to be goin to bed its 5:38 suns out and once again i will miss day light as il be sleeping through it :( will try waking up early. Back to the movie now yay :D

It's 4:18 a.m and i am trying to make mango jam...yes for the first time :)

The mango is in the microwave and making weird noises wait let me check it...agh there is mango juice all inside the microwave so extra work will have to clean it:( anyways now will let the mango cool down so that i can peel it easily and not to forget music to entertain me !

This aint nothin but a Summer jam bronze skin and cinnamon tan Whoa!

perfect song for the occasion aint it? :) the mango has cooled down after being run under cold water so i am peeling it now and the next song on my playlist is Evil deeds by eminem.

Mashing the mango pulp with a fork on the beats of don't cha is fun.

Now the mangoes are mashed and i have switched to my Urdu playlist starting with 'Dil chahta hy kabhi na beetain chamkeelay din' i so love this song <3

Say hoi ho hoi!gonna lose control ! yes thats the song playing now and the sugar and water are in the sauce pan and on the stove. Thank God i rechecked the recipe it says to keep the heat low and i had it full on! Slowly stirring in sugar and water with one of my favorite slow melody 'sanson ko sanson mai dhalnay do zara' .

Its boiling now so i have increased the heat to medium high but i have no idea when the 'soft fine threads' will be formed so that i can add the mango pulp to it, in fact i dont even know what they are :P

I dont have Safron threads so i just poured in the mango pulp, stirred for a while now waiting for it to thicken which should take 5-8 minutes. while i am waiting i'll listen to 'rubaroo roshni' on repeat. Oh yea gotta keep stirring atleast once every min or it starts sticking to the pan.

Finally!its ready and poured into a container i will take some snaps before putting it away to cool.

If You wanna make this jam here are the ingredients:

500g mango

3/4 cup sugar

3/8 cup water

1 1/2 saffron threads.(optional)

I halved the original recipe which i found on http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Mango-Jam/Detail.aspx

Now i hope it tastes good :) woah just noticed ready in exactly 1 hour as the site had said cool!

whew sleep time now. laters:)

i just saw that my posts dont show the original time like when i posted em and i dont know how to fix that :(

sometimes in life we feel so blue, but someone somewhere is sadder than you.

Somewhere far across the border when a war prisoner sleeps, missing his loved ones he silently weeps..

Somewhere a mother painfully sighs because her new born didn't open her eyes..

Somewhere a poor dad silently cries, when he sees his son begging for a bowl of rice..

Somewhere in an orphanage a little girl is sad, she wishes she was with her mom and dad..

So at times among the known reasons of a smile, you may not have any

Just tell yourself you are happier than many:)

Its a beautiful life and its not always blue,

Someone somewhere is not as happy as you !

OK so its my blog i can write any crap about myself. Ah of course my mental censorship center wont allow me to write 'any crap' but whatever i can manage without it.

Today im gonna bake chocoloate cupcakes my very first cupcakes ever i hope they turn out great (m overly optimistic about everything so my first cupcake experience is included in that)! Its a pretty simple recipe, for most, oh m on the fon complete this later:P

okie m back so the cupcakes turned out great though the oven door wouldn't close properly heat was escaping and they took way longer than the required time. Oh and then a bay ewwy lizard came in the kitchen i made such a racket throwing cutlery at it that my grandma woke up and came to ask whats going on. I told her there was a lizy in a basket n she PICKED THE BASKET WITH BARE HANDS! i screamed as the lizy jumped on the floor from the basket and my grandma was trying to step on it but was aiming a foot away from it. I dint bother telling her that as i dint want to witness the gruesome killing :P Finally the lizard escaped into some corner and i cleaned up the kitchen still fearing it might jump over me any second.

Now m sitting idle (besides typing this :P ) and trying to decide whether i should sleep now or not...hmm..will go have a quick walk in the garden the chirping birds sound so inviting and i love walking barefoot on the early morning dewy grass :) update later!

fears

tears

hurt

sorrow...

yet waiting for a better tomorrow.

sunshine

rain

flowers

smiles

but ask why my soul still cries?

poems

songs

love notes

hearts

the love birds fly even further apart

peace

freedom

silence

serenity

thats all i need,set me free...

"Stop!" she yelled with all her might but the young man kept running with her diary in his hand. Her high heels did not allow her to chase after him and she could not do away with them not only because they were very expensive but they belonged to her aunt Silia, neither could she hold them as her hands were full of numerous other diaries. What would happen now? why had this man stolen her diary? It wouldn't be of any use to him but her life depended on it, she searched her memory trying to remember which year of her life did that diary belong to...what sinful secrets of hers did it hold. As her memory worked she went numb with fear, if the diary somehow reached her parents or any member of her family she would be devastated. She would never be able to face any of them again how humiliated she would be!

Anne cursed herself for choosing this very street, thinking it was the best site for burning away her life's secrets. Now as she looked around the sudden realization of being alone scared her. She was a very brave girl but this stinky dark street with cats darting around and dogs howling in the distance scared her. Tall buildings rose on both sides without any windows or openings, they were not even painted and the rough bricks seemed to be on the verge of crushing under their own weight. Sighing loudly she turned back to go home, her mission had not been accomplished but something was wrong about this night , she would fail even if she tried again she could sense it...(enuf lameness wil continu leta)

I yawned again trying to keep my eyes open, the story was about to end i had to finish reading it before i went to bed. It was a mystery one and i being more of a romantic novel lover did not like it much but i have this thing about me once i start reading something i can not rest in peace untill i have finished it. Also the plot was all jumbled up, every paragraph contradicted the previous one. Why did i even start reading this story in the first place? i could have writen better than that AND that thought alerted me shooing all the sleepiness away. I hit blog spot and that is how this blog of mine came into being :P