When i was little, i would have the same dreams a few times. One of them was about being in a beautiful place with a lot of trees and greenery, my dad and brothers hunting squirrels. I don't know why i loved that dream so much as i loved squirrels but just the image of us all being there made me nostalgic, even though it had never really happened. It was so real that i once actually asked my mother if we had been on such a trip but she confirmed that we hadn't.
Today i suddenly remembered something from a few years ago. I was so surprised thinking that was actually me, that was my life. I thought maybe my mind was just making it up but no it wasn't.. it can not make up all those hours and days and years, which seemed so strange now, it was really the life of the same person who was once such a believer in happiness that even dreamed happiness seemed real to her and now couldn't even accept her happy realities from the past.

That doesn't mean i am not happy now, i have been happier these days than i might have ever been, for all i remember, but its a different kind of happiness. Its made, it doesnt happen like it used to. I don't want to be ungrateful to God, i am not. I love Him for every second of my life and i am as thankful to Him as the happiest person might be. Its just the strangeness of the differences in life, which happened too quick for me to adjust to and i just locked the old ones back to be able to survive with the new ones, that now if ever anything from the past breaks through that lock it shocks me, mostly pleasantly, until i over think it.
I only have to learn to not compare. What brought me joy then, might not have today, if it was still all the same. Memories are to be cherished only and nothing more.

Hey no one!
i have been posting on the other blog because i'm trying to get back into real writing. I came across some really cool blogs, some of which had no likes or comments on any of their posts, but they kept posting regardless. So i decided to just start proper blogging like that whether anyone reads it or likes it or doesn't even know it exists. I haven't quite gotten to regular blogging but i'm doing it more than once every three months, like i used to earlier :P
Anyway, i am posting here today because i wanted to just rant out total crap. I have my history exam retake in about umm 12 days (OMG OMG OMG) and i just cant get myself to open my notes. I never ever freak out due to exam stress, I dont even drop a single tear even if its the night before an exam and i have half the course left. BUT this time i am freaking out like crazy hence not being able to even open the books as just thinking about it literally gives my a heart ache so i just distract myself by watching movies or tv shows.
Now i think its time to drop that act and actually start studying. Its just that i have never really disappointing myself with my results and this was the worst one ever so i guess maybe it has shaken my belief in my theory of me being supersonic(that cartoon character).
So this is me, confronting myself and trying to get over whatever it is which is keeping me from studying, at a point i even considered it to be an evil magical force, True story. I just need to stick to my mantra -'i'm awesome. i'm awesome. i'm awesome' do i hear you say 'yes you are!' ? oh yes i AM!

ok seriously blogger DIE :@
yes im not in an awesome mood. as if stuff wasnt annoying enough already this thing wont publish the post i wrote yesterday =/
also why can i not find people in this world who happen to be like me. or even one person? or why cant people get me like i get them? come on im the same inside out its so easy why does everyone have to be so ignorant?
Maybe i am being unfiar maybe people do get me and maybe i do know who they are but when i say i have this not-so-normal sensor for emotions i mean it and i just wish someone else in this world, that i know, had it too! ok now i get how Edward (yes the Twilight dude) felt=/ ok no, he must have felt worse cuz i can always make myself believe that i am wrong -also this is off topic but i can stare at myself in the mirror and scare myself by making myself believe that is actually a ghost looking back at me- .
But then how can Cyril (that magician guy) turn leafs into butterflies just by 'believing' strongly that its a butterfly? ok i guess i will go find myself some leafs.

The lights were out yesterday night n i had nothing better to do than listening to songs. I played the whole track list of High School Musical 2(yea m a teen-aged girl m supposed to like this stuff) then HSM1 and then Starstruck, i love this one song in it; 'hero', but i got hooked on to 'there's something about the sunshine' n started playin it on repeat n now it just wont get out of my mind. Whats stupid is that the whole song is about California n i have never even been there!in real, as in minus-ing the movie trips, day dreams n actual dreams. Mostly its about sunshine, fun n the stars<3 'every day's a dream in California, Every night the stars come out to play' .. this verse got me so inspired that i opened my blog after ages to write a poem on a magical star filled night sky but i ended up writing this crap=/ but i found a pretty picture for it: which wont get uploaded,awesome.

as this post doesn't have anything worthwhile in it(not that any other on my blog do) il just quote a few verses from the song:

Everywhere's a scene

And now we're in it

I don't wanna paint this town alone

When I see you smile I always feel at home

There's something about the sunshine, baby

I'm seeing you in a whole new light

Out of this world for the first time baby

Oh, its so right

There's something about the sunshine.
<3

Forgive me Allah for I have sinned.. I sinned knowing what I was doing, I know il sin again.. then how am I asking for forgiveness? I don’t know, I just know that I have to and I should. I planned to do something crazy as the clock would strike midnight marking the start of 2011 but I ended up trying to hold back tears of hysteria… I wanted to curl up on the ground n cry out loud and keep crying till all that I had done wrong would get undone.. all that I have lost would come back to me or till I would stop missing it all.

All this time this song ‘in the end’ by likin park, was playing in my mind the part where they say ‘..watch it fly by as the pendulum swings.. the clock ticks life away its so unreal’. Don’t know where it came from but I realized it after several minutes that it was there in my mind, playing on repeat.. it was kinda haunting me, it still is.

Its like one moment I am extremely joyous thinking about how this is the real me and the fun I am planning and having, how positive everything is and all and the next moment I am this person who has many reasons to be sad for but the happy ones seem to fake, materialistic to me.

I say I have moved on with life, I believe that I have I would never admit that I haven’t but when I turn to memories even slightly, something just melts inside me.. the walls I have built around that soft corner shatter instantly and I am left standing alone, surrounded by a strange collage of my past.. and then I reach out for the ones which pain me the most, there is a strange satisfaction in that, almost pleasing it is..

Light, it heals so much.

i have been feeling so low since like yesterday, especially at night... i get online as usual n then i stare at my twitter timeline wondering how crappy it is that we talk about such random crap, or i go through my facebook notifications but my mind refuses to help me come up with a reply to any of the stuff there n then i feel worse so i stop replying to texts n then i have pretty much nothing to do. The WiFi signals are pretty weak in my room these days, that happens when it rains but i dont get how, so i cant watch a movie or tv series. Which leaves me with a free mind n as its said something like 'fairgh dimagh shaitan ka ghar hota hy' so i think about all the suckiness n negativity there is around me- or might never even be around me. All this made me want to do something better n here is what i am doing, writing a blogpost. My mood was so crazy weird that i thought lets not do this on the other blog n ruin it, or make those readers believe i get high at night(without coffee). Ah come on i know this post sucks but its better than me spending the night fishing around in my hair for dandruff... why did i just tell any random loser who might come across this that i do that? umm cuz .. cuz m crazy to be up at 5 in the morning of the last day of 2010 without any plans or resolutions for the coming year.. OMG i have no plans! would i be sitting right here after 24 hours sulking like this?n0oo i dont want that! trust me i dont need a shrink i just like getting melodramatic at times heh.. that doesnt mean m not freaked out about having less than 19 hours of 2010 left with no plans about em.. hmm writting this post did make me feel better n lighter(not that i need to get any more 'light') not to mention how it made me realize m wasting precious minutes running my fingers on the keyboard(or is it keypad) right now typing these very words. Hey i think i got a new year resolution!: not gonna waste my time thinking about 'how to sulk worse' or 'how to not-sulk' rather i will DO STUFF, like i am right now, so my mind wont be able to go towards the sucky stuff n il get something go0d outta watever i do.. we always do get sthing go0d outta everything, whether its a target achieved or a leson learned. Tonight il say it was a leson learned n m hoping tomorrow night, on the first night of 2011 its gonna be a target achieved, a fun one IA :D
i just inspired myself ;) aaand i think i hear mum!shyt! *waves* *ruuuuns* oh no m already in bed:p okay m really shutting-up now.