just felt like i owe this blog a post about New Year's plans and celebrations. It could become a sort of a tradition .. all new years' posts right here :)
I don't really have any plans as yet, after declining several invitations and cancelling trips because i wanted to be here, at home in Islamabad, for new year's eve. Why so? no, i don't have any big date, party or whatever but i just don't feel like spending the last night of 2011 at a place that i don't call home.

I can't conclude whether 2011 was good or bad.. i am happy where i am right now and everything that happened during this year lead me to this very moment and i am thankful for it, Alhamdolillah.
The great people i met, the experiences i had (esp the Reality Touch course at Alhuda), the feelings i felt; some new and some old, the changes that occurred in me all that i know was for the better and i am Thankful to Allah for every bit of it.

i might not have everything i did a year ago and i might have few more dreams fulfilled than i had even wished for till a year ago. What matters more is that i am not the confused person i was a year ago, i have a path i know i must follow. i have new dreams i know i must fulifil and i have my Allah helping me through it all <3

as usual i am writing this post early morning, its 7:30 right now and my brain is painfully working on its last bit of energy. Body suppression is so on ;) hoping i would have suppressed it well enough to have put the soul in domination by this time next year inshaAllah.
Allah hafiz=)

When i was little, i would have the same dreams a few times. One of them was about being in a beautiful place with a lot of trees and greenery, my dad and brothers hunting squirrels. I don't know why i loved that dream so much as i loved squirrels but just the image of us all being there made me nostalgic, even though it had never really happened. It was so real that i once actually asked my mother if we had been on such a trip but she confirmed that we hadn't.
Today i suddenly remembered something from a few years ago. I was so surprised thinking that was actually me, that was my life. I thought maybe my mind was just making it up but no it wasn't.. it can not make up all those hours and days and years, which seemed so strange now, it was really the life of the same person who was once such a believer in happiness that even dreamed happiness seemed real to her and now couldn't even accept her happy realities from the past.

That doesn't mean i am not happy now, i have been happier these days than i might have ever been, for all i remember, but its a different kind of happiness. Its made, it doesnt happen like it used to. I don't want to be ungrateful to God, i am not. I love Him for every second of my life and i am as thankful to Him as the happiest person might be. Its just the strangeness of the differences in life, which happened too quick for me to adjust to and i just locked the old ones back to be able to survive with the new ones, that now if ever anything from the past breaks through that lock it shocks me, mostly pleasantly, until i over think it.
I only have to learn to not compare. What brought me joy then, might not have today, if it was still all the same. Memories are to be cherished only and nothing more.

Hey no one!
i have been posting on the other blog because i'm trying to get back into real writing. I came across some really cool blogs, some of which had no likes or comments on any of their posts, but they kept posting regardless. So i decided to just start proper blogging like that whether anyone reads it or likes it or doesn't even know it exists. I haven't quite gotten to regular blogging but i'm doing it more than once every three months, like i used to earlier :P
Anyway, i am posting here today because i wanted to just rant out total crap. I have my history exam retake in about umm 12 days (OMG OMG OMG) and i just cant get myself to open my notes. I never ever freak out due to exam stress, I dont even drop a single tear even if its the night before an exam and i have half the course left. BUT this time i am freaking out like crazy hence not being able to even open the books as just thinking about it literally gives my a heart ache so i just distract myself by watching movies or tv shows.
Now i think its time to drop that act and actually start studying. Its just that i have never really disappointing myself with my results and this was the worst one ever so i guess maybe it has shaken my belief in my theory of me being supersonic(that cartoon character).
So this is me, confronting myself and trying to get over whatever it is which is keeping me from studying, at a point i even considered it to be an evil magical force, True story. I just need to stick to my mantra -'i'm awesome. i'm awesome. i'm awesome' do i hear you say 'yes you are!' ? oh yes i AM!

ok seriously blogger DIE :@
yes im not in an awesome mood. as if stuff wasnt annoying enough already this thing wont publish the post i wrote yesterday =/
also why can i not find people in this world who happen to be like me. or even one person? or why cant people get me like i get them? come on im the same inside out its so easy why does everyone have to be so ignorant?
Maybe i am being unfiar maybe people do get me and maybe i do know who they are but when i say i have this not-so-normal sensor for emotions i mean it and i just wish someone else in this world, that i know, had it too! ok now i get how Edward (yes the Twilight dude) felt=/ ok no, he must have felt worse cuz i can always make myself believe that i am wrong -also this is off topic but i can stare at myself in the mirror and scare myself by making myself believe that is actually a ghost looking back at me- .
But then how can Cyril (that magician guy) turn leafs into butterflies just by 'believing' strongly that its a butterfly? ok i guess i will go find myself some leafs.

i just fell asleep sitting on the bathroom's sink-shelf thingy.
it felt like the most peaceful place in the world.. With the cold tiled wall supporting my back and the cool breeze coming in from the window, giving me light goosebumps..

i dont really need a room to live in, i can survive in a bathroom. I spend most of the time sitting on its sink-shelf or dancing in front of the mirror or scribbling notes n songs on the walls and the mirror.. i still have stuff written on the walls by my friends who have long left my life for good.. and now that we have to shift out of this house i cant bring myself to erase all those memories from the walls.
-sigh
i dont really like changes. i have ugly curtains in my room but i wont change them just cuz i would miss the way they give the fairytale-ish feel wen u turn the light outside the window on and leave the room dark.

Life has its own ways of treating with this 'condition' of mine. i save thousands of texts in my phone and then it gets screwed and all of them are lost.. i write poems in my notebooks, during class lectures, and they end up in the garbage.
i guess the garbage man gives these papers to the street vendors .. so someone somewhere might have read a poem of mine written on the piece of paper their 'samosa' was packed in. Its a kinda nice thought =)

sinful holiness...
the pain of pleasure..

the sparkle of a teary eye
why it shines so?

righting the wrong
completes us.


i can survive without u, but i cant live without u.. for i now know what 'living' is like. The winds of brokeback swept my life out and its stuck there..between the rocks..where the water played with our mingled beings.. Lets go unlock our lives. lets live our fairytale.

my laptop is sitting on a shelf in the kitchen n m about to pass out with hunger. Which makes one wonder why the hell m i writing this and not preparing myself food then?! uh right wait il go fix myself a sandwich.
ok so the burger patty is defrosting in the microwave now n the oil is heating up for it to be fired in. So what was i going to write about? uh i think i forgot.. that's what happens when u stay up the whole night doing practically 'nothing' and letting your brain slowly die.
oh wait i did make mum a card. Its her birthday but she doesn't like celebrating it so i mostly just make her a card, n so do my siblings, and we give her flowers. so now an ugly card and a lovely red rose are sitting on her side table from me =)

i guess il just go off n try studying the French Revolution or at least try to.
later.
damn this sandwich is soo good!

You know those characters you read about in classic age novels who can not imagine being in a love based relation more than once? That also when they fall in love so easily, one sentence or a smile or a wet eye is enough for them to commit their life to that person. Yet they might just spend their entire period of existence behaving coldly with that person for that is the wise act. its all so unrealistic and sweet. But then it gets annoying when you actually ponder over their situation.
I am going to write a book about myself and i will very much be that same character. Not exactly but yes, very much.
One more common thing i have with them, I believe in fairytales.

Ok i seriously need a life. I mean i cant get premature ventricular contractions(stole that one from 'No strings attached') everytime he tweets. Its not even like he is tweeting to me! .. Like in my dreams he would do that.
N there is the fact that he is gay.. Which just makes me like him more.. *hides* .. Gay guys are sensitive ok?thats it. See he sings with such passion, such emotion!
It kinda hurt wen he said he doesn't feel the song wen he is singing but then i realised he was talkin about those crazy rock ones where all he does is scream. Not that i dont love his screams, i totally do.. Which reminds me of this song of his where he says '..give it to u till ur screamin my name!' he doesn't need to do that, like girls n guys both are screamin it just watchin him perform.

Why am i writting all this?! With my chemistry book sittin open in my lap m here blogging from my cell. I seriously need to get a life i swear. Thinking about a guy who doesn't even know i exist..sad. But i dont want to! Not that i can help it.. Everytime i listen to a song of his i feel like OMG someone who sings like this..how can i not love him?

Its the exam stress i swear..i dont even think about him everyday :p but i just prefer babbling about Adam Lambert's awesomeness rather than tryin to memorize how high density polyethene needs Zeigler-Natta as a catalyst whose components are TiCl4 + triethyl aluminium.
*facepalm*
i would rather study about Adam's wardrobe n vocal exercise =/

so m shutting up now.

Now is ur chance,
its not gonna last for long..
The sun's soon gonna shine bright n lighten up the dark side ..
No hiding from it then, is there?
All worries will come alight.
So let ur spirit wander now.. Let it fly high .. let it fall..
Till the darkness shields u, do it all.
And as soon as u see the first beam of light,
hide under the covers n close ur eyes! :p

LOL seriously, point is i was kinda high all night n i let the darkness keepthe books hidd from my sight but its a new day now n the worries are all buildin up cuz my 'high' brain has fallen back into place .. Damn power about to go down gotta post this .. So watever. Good night/mornin

i post on my new blog n keep this one for taking out my crazy frustrations.. n thought no one's ever gonna read this stuff, at least no one i know. It will be my personal diary kinda thing n if some random stranger comes across it n reads it, it would be just fun =) cuz they won't know me so won't judge me like those who do... but now while commenting on a blog i realized anyone can open my blog through my id i use for commenting on others blogs! all u gotta do is click on my name!:P how stupid am i?seriously..
ah watever..

The lights were out yesterday night n i had nothing better to do than listening to songs. I played the whole track list of High School Musical 2(yea m a teen-aged girl m supposed to like this stuff) then HSM1 and then Starstruck, i love this one song in it; 'hero', but i got hooked on to 'there's something about the sunshine' n started playin it on repeat n now it just wont get out of my mind. Whats stupid is that the whole song is about California n i have never even been there!in real, as in minus-ing the movie trips, day dreams n actual dreams. Mostly its about sunshine, fun n the stars<3 'every day's a dream in California, Every night the stars come out to play' .. this verse got me so inspired that i opened my blog after ages to write a poem on a magical star filled night sky but i ended up writing this crap=/ but i found a pretty picture for it: which wont get uploaded,awesome.

as this post doesn't have anything worthwhile in it(not that any other on my blog do) il just quote a few verses from the song:

Everywhere's a scene

And now we're in it

I don't wanna paint this town alone

When I see you smile I always feel at home

There's something about the sunshine, baby

I'm seeing you in a whole new light

Out of this world for the first time baby

Oh, its so right

There's something about the sunshine.
<3

something is missing.. someone is missing.. or maybe that is just my excuse? Excuse for tearing up every night.. i am not insane, yet i smile finally when the tears start to flow.. it makes me believe i am doing something worthwhile, something right.. something my soul needs.

Forgive me Allah for I have sinned.. I sinned knowing what I was doing, I know il sin again.. then how am I asking for forgiveness? I don’t know, I just know that I have to and I should. I planned to do something crazy as the clock would strike midnight marking the start of 2011 but I ended up trying to hold back tears of hysteria… I wanted to curl up on the ground n cry out loud and keep crying till all that I had done wrong would get undone.. all that I have lost would come back to me or till I would stop missing it all.

All this time this song ‘in the end’ by likin park, was playing in my mind the part where they say ‘..watch it fly by as the pendulum swings.. the clock ticks life away its so unreal’. Don’t know where it came from but I realized it after several minutes that it was there in my mind, playing on repeat.. it was kinda haunting me, it still is.

Its like one moment I am extremely joyous thinking about how this is the real me and the fun I am planning and having, how positive everything is and all and the next moment I am this person who has many reasons to be sad for but the happy ones seem to fake, materialistic to me.

I say I have moved on with life, I believe that I have I would never admit that I haven’t but when I turn to memories even slightly, something just melts inside me.. the walls I have built around that soft corner shatter instantly and I am left standing alone, surrounded by a strange collage of my past.. and then I reach out for the ones which pain me the most, there is a strange satisfaction in that, almost pleasing it is..

Light, it heals so much.