just felt like i owe this blog a post about New Year's plans and celebrations. It could become a sort of a tradition .. all new years' posts right here :)
I don't really have any plans as yet, after declining several invitations and cancelling trips because i wanted to be here, at home in Islamabad, for new year's eve. Why so? no, i don't have any big date, party or whatever but i just don't feel like spending the last night of 2011 at a place that i don't call home.

I can't conclude whether 2011 was good or bad.. i am happy where i am right now and everything that happened during this year lead me to this very moment and i am thankful for it, Alhamdolillah.
The great people i met, the experiences i had (esp the Reality Touch course at Alhuda), the feelings i felt; some new and some old, the changes that occurred in me all that i know was for the better and i am Thankful to Allah for every bit of it.

i might not have everything i did a year ago and i might have few more dreams fulfilled than i had even wished for till a year ago. What matters more is that i am not the confused person i was a year ago, i have a path i know i must follow. i have new dreams i know i must fulifil and i have my Allah helping me through it all <3

as usual i am writing this post early morning, its 7:30 right now and my brain is painfully working on its last bit of energy. Body suppression is so on ;) hoping i would have suppressed it well enough to have put the soul in domination by this time next year inshaAllah.
Allah hafiz=)

When i was little, i would have the same dreams a few times. One of them was about being in a beautiful place with a lot of trees and greenery, my dad and brothers hunting squirrels. I don't know why i loved that dream so much as i loved squirrels but just the image of us all being there made me nostalgic, even though it had never really happened. It was so real that i once actually asked my mother if we had been on such a trip but she confirmed that we hadn't.
Today i suddenly remembered something from a few years ago. I was so surprised thinking that was actually me, that was my life. I thought maybe my mind was just making it up but no it wasn't.. it can not make up all those hours and days and years, which seemed so strange now, it was really the life of the same person who was once such a believer in happiness that even dreamed happiness seemed real to her and now couldn't even accept her happy realities from the past.

That doesn't mean i am not happy now, i have been happier these days than i might have ever been, for all i remember, but its a different kind of happiness. Its made, it doesnt happen like it used to. I don't want to be ungrateful to God, i am not. I love Him for every second of my life and i am as thankful to Him as the happiest person might be. Its just the strangeness of the differences in life, which happened too quick for me to adjust to and i just locked the old ones back to be able to survive with the new ones, that now if ever anything from the past breaks through that lock it shocks me, mostly pleasantly, until i over think it.
I only have to learn to not compare. What brought me joy then, might not have today, if it was still all the same. Memories are to be cherished only and nothing more.