Dreams and memories

When i was little, i would have the same dreams a few times. One of them was about being in a beautiful place with a lot of trees and greenery, my dad and brothers hunting squirrels. I don't know why i loved that dream so much as i loved squirrels but just the image of us all being there made me nostalgic, even though it had never really happened. It was so real that i once actually asked my mother if we had been on such a trip but she confirmed that we hadn't.
Today i suddenly remembered something from a few years ago. I was so surprised thinking that was actually me, that was my life. I thought maybe my mind was just making it up but no it wasn't.. it can not make up all those hours and days and years, which seemed so strange now, it was really the life of the same person who was once such a believer in happiness that even dreamed happiness seemed real to her and now couldn't even accept her happy realities from the past.

That doesn't mean i am not happy now, i have been happier these days than i might have ever been, for all i remember, but its a different kind of happiness. Its made, it doesnt happen like it used to. I don't want to be ungrateful to God, i am not. I love Him for every second of my life and i am as thankful to Him as the happiest person might be. Its just the strangeness of the differences in life, which happened too quick for me to adjust to and i just locked the old ones back to be able to survive with the new ones, that now if ever anything from the past breaks through that lock it shocks me, mostly pleasantly, until i over think it.
I only have to learn to not compare. What brought me joy then, might not have today, if it was still all the same. Memories are to be cherished only and nothing more.

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