Happy new year to me.

Forgive me Allah for I have sinned.. I sinned knowing what I was doing, I know il sin again.. then how am I asking for forgiveness? I don’t know, I just know that I have to and I should. I planned to do something crazy as the clock would strike midnight marking the start of 2011 but I ended up trying to hold back tears of hysteria… I wanted to curl up on the ground n cry out loud and keep crying till all that I had done wrong would get undone.. all that I have lost would come back to me or till I would stop missing it all.

All this time this song ‘in the end’ by likin park, was playing in my mind the part where they say ‘..watch it fly by as the pendulum swings.. the clock ticks life away its so unreal’. Don’t know where it came from but I realized it after several minutes that it was there in my mind, playing on repeat.. it was kinda haunting me, it still is.

Its like one moment I am extremely joyous thinking about how this is the real me and the fun I am planning and having, how positive everything is and all and the next moment I am this person who has many reasons to be sad for but the happy ones seem to fake, materialistic to me.

I say I have moved on with life, I believe that I have I would never admit that I haven’t but when I turn to memories even slightly, something just melts inside me.. the walls I have built around that soft corner shatter instantly and I am left standing alone, surrounded by a strange collage of my past.. and then I reach out for the ones which pain me the most, there is a strange satisfaction in that, almost pleasing it is..

Light, it heals so much.